No, it’s not going to be ok. There’s not much, if anything, about this experience that is easy. Apathy is easy, bad habits are easy, dullness is easy. None of those are welcome here. Just when you think you might be settling in, some piece you’ve been neglecting, some unattended-to blister bursts and in the words of an instructor, a mother, a horse, demands your energy, demands your tears. This is the burning place where high ideals reveal their true natures: like elephants or angels their reality is often too much for us to handle; we find their expectations too elegant for our pettiness. And this burning place is where we stumble, where we lash out in pain and blindness. And this is where we keep trying, because that is the best we can do. Whether we soar on downy wings or crawl on bruising bellies we keep trying- through fear, through self-righteousness, through judgment and acceptance and curiosity and intimacy and play and joy and through expectations both unmet and surpassed. This is where the great sorrows and the great ecstasies are, where our elephantine, angelic questions inspire hope, conflict and community. So no, it’s not going to be ok. It was never going to be ok, it was never going to be easy. And that’s ok.
It’s Not Going to be Ok
October 26, 2009 at 8:28 am (Natasha, On the Trail)
Tags: experience, self-awareness
The mundane, for those not in the know
October 20, 2009 at 12:51 pm (Natasha, On the Trail)
Tags: Adventure, Arizona Trail, backcountry, experience, Horses
A typical travel day for the Prescott College AZT expedition goes more or less like this:
wake up at 5:45 (yes, in the morning. and no, the sun isn’t even close to being up yet), think about how nice it would be to go back to sleep, and with a sigh, wriggle out of warm sleeping bag and put on more layers.
before we do anything else we feed our excited equines, who are teaching us about what a big deal it is to them to have their grain at 6 am sharp.
breakfast is important to us too, and it’s curious to see how good granola with hot water seems nowadays…
before moving into the doing and busyness of the day we make it a priority to leave space for spending time with our equine partner (whether it be horse or mule), just being with them and reflecting on what it is they have to teach us on this journey. About 15 minutes are devoted to this, and then we protect an hour of personal practice time. Personal practice is an important part of our trail culture; it serves us as a way of attending to a practice that helps us stay happy with ourselves and sets us up to participate more fully in the coming day. Such a practice might be journaling, yoga, meditation, or simply being alone in nature.
route briefing follows, traditionally led by Nikki, who, sob, is temporarily absent. Theoretically these help us all know where we’re going, but recently the maps have been lying to us so we still have to do a certain amount on figuring things out on-route. It doesn’t help that our USGS maps were last updated in the 60′s.
last minute packing and brushing of teeth may then commence, mule bags need to be balanced ( a mule carries one bag on either side of its body and it’s very important that these bags be within 1 or 2 pounds of each other or the whole load can shift to one side. If this happens the mule’s back can become sore or the whole thing can slip sideways or even under the animal’s belly, which is dangerous) and all the equines have their saddles and tack put on. Some of the animals are more difficult to tack up than others…I’m talking about you, Mary Beth and Black Oak.
then…yay! Moving out! We’ve been traveling around ten miles a day recently, at a little under 3 miles an hour. Who likes Math? If we take a half hour for lunch, how many hours do we typically spend on the trail? Now add in a half hour for getting lost.
when we get to our next camp, we may take some time for a lesson or a discussion, or simply some intentional down time. Equines need water, evening grain and a method of containing them, whether that be by stringing a high line between trees or setting up an electric fence, or both. People need sustenance too, which is provided by whichever cook group happens to be on that day. We try to cook over campfires as much a possible, since those little Whisperlite stoves can be a pain. We circle up as a special way of acknowledging the group before breakfast and dinner to share poems, quotes, things we’re thankful for, jokes or observations.
8 o’clock is past my bedtime, and it’s to the tent or out under the stars.
Mindfulness
August 31, 2009 at 6:32 pm (CLS, Natasha, Preparations)
Tags: Arizona Trail, equine-assisted learning, experience, meditation, prescott college
“It’s one of the cheapest ways to change your consciousness, and it’s legal.”
Tom Fleischner, Professor of Environmental Studies at Prescott College, holds a tiny magnifying glass on a piece of cord. We are invited to observe the intricacies of a Helianthus, a wild sunflower. Through the lens the patterns of the disk flowers demand one’s unwavering attention and awe; the mounds of unburst flower buds, and the clinging grains of pollen like a dusting of snow on the bark of a tree, captivate the mind without inspiring conjecture, conclusions, or even thought.
That at least, is how I experienced those moments. And that is what I understand mindfulness to be: an observation and appreciation of whatever is going on at present. Mindfulness means letting go of presets, and allowing the immediate to show itself without us attaching judgment to it.
My ability to be mindful is tested by my horse partner, Pumpkin. Pumpkin is turning out to be a very sweet mare, but it seems that she is having a hard time letting herself trust people. Along with this skepticism, she is startled by what seem to be attempts on her life by such things as ropes, water bottles, and fingers. When I am working with her, I need to be especially aware of our surroundings and her level of comfort. If I practice mindfulness, I can more fully appreciate that which is outside of myself (and be more open to potentially important sensory input), and be less distracted by inner ramblings and snap judgments.
The unanimous night, and the effervescent day
August 31, 2009 at 3:08 pm (Jordan, Preparations)
Tags: experience, Kurt Hahn, success, Whitman
Many times in our life we experience moments of sheer exhilaration, but also utter apprehension. “I do not know which way to go!” we might say. Alternatively, “I don’t believe I am (good enough, wise enough, strong enough …) for such an experience!” To believe these things is to fail before we have even begun. The same is true of this expedition. There have already been points of time which I have tricked myself into thinking that I have no business taking on such an epic journey, but as Kurt Hahn once noted, “We can do more than we think,” with think being the key word in that sentence. How do I know what I can do before I have even tried? For I believe the biggest risk is not taking one, and when an opportunity comes that makes more sense than anything else it is a great risk not to follow thru – we are risking life or death in the sense of allowing our true selves to flourish or turn to dust. So far, everything has been going very well. The horse I will be riding on this journey, whose name is Tonto, started out as quite a character, biting and pushing many of the other horses around, but he is slowly coming forth with a big heart that is shining through like a passing storm filling the sky with cerulean blue. I am excited to witness the change in him, and the change within myself. To the unanimous night, the effervescent day, and the cool breeze dancing through my hair, I bow to the open trail, for I know it will be a great teacher.
THERE was a child went forth every day; And the first object he look’d upon, that object he became; And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
- W.Whitman
